I want to know my fate if I keep up this way

Forewarning that this post is going to be more on the depressing side.  But hey, it's your choice to read it or not, and my way of outletting my thoughts.

Lately I have been feeling rather down.  To pin-point it on one thing it would be looking back on all the relationships I have built with people and how none of them have lasted.  We go through elementary school having a best friend one week and then hating them the next for something as pointless as they have a crush on the same boy.  We didn't really know how to define a friendship or relationship back then, but we still knew how substantial they were for enjoying life.  As we grew and struggled through our socially awkward years of junior high and even beyond that, we learned better how to relate to people.  We learn the correct ways to interact and what is acceptable.  When we were young we just did and said what came natural, until we were shaped into what is considered courteous and nice. If you think of it that way, you can see through all the bullshit.  You can see the fake show people put on because that is what we are suppose to do.  That is what we have been taught and we don't really know any different.  As we move through high school, we experience different group of friends, make and break relationships, change, form our opinions, and try to be unique.  We all felt so lost and unknown.  Yet we were probably the most pure forms of ourselves in a way.  We finally leave high school and we see all of these "friends" leave and go their own way, as you do the same to several.  You realize that you only created those friendships because they served you a purpose through the halls.  The more friends you had and the more people that liked you, the more substantial of a person you were, although you didn't actually give a damn about most of them..So you begin to understand how selfish people really are..only doing things to benefit themselves.  I think that's the best definition of why I hated school so much.  Everyone trying so hard to get everyone's approval, it was sickening to me.

That's been a really tough thing for me to accept, and trust me I am no exclusion to it.  I've dropped many many friends in the past because I didn't want them in my life anymore.  Thinking about it makes you feel so alone though, because you know all the friendships you have right now are so fragile, and either of you can simply drop it with no reasoning.  I wonder a lot how often this happens to other people.  I can't tell if it happens unusually often to me, or if I am just too sensitive about it. I am so tired of losing people.  It has a made me rather socially awkward, making me almost unsure how to create a friendship anymore.  I've been so close to people and out of nowhere they just disappear.  Or I've had best friends that continue to do the shittiest things, while I would do mostly anything for them.  What makes people so inconsiderate? Or are they just tired of being hurt as well, so that's their shield? It's tough to live in a world like that.

Making Friends

So I've realized within the last few months I have a serious problem with making friends. It sounds silly I know, but it's true and it is devastating. I tend to be, in my mind, extremely awkward and socially impaired.  I've been told this is not the case, but being the paranoid, self conscious person that I am, it's obvious they were just saying this to make me feel better.  When it comes to a social situation, I'm always on the outside looking in.  Everyone is always trying so hard to impress everyone else, it reminds of a circus.  They all have their little tricks they are doing, trying to stand out to the crowd and outwit the clowns next to them.  And i'm the child sitting in the bleachers wondering what the hell is going on.

Another big problem I have is with girls. I have never been able to pin point why, but I can only manage to keep a girl friend for a short amount of time before they become unbearable.  It's never anything big that they do either, it's just the little things I notice.  I think it's possible that I am just very unlucky and have come across the most annoying girls in history. Even still, it's unfortunate and feels like a disease.  I wouldn't mind doing all the stupid things girls do together, whatever that may be. I just need to find that one special girl that doesn't make me want to kill children. I hope she is out there somewhere.
 

So hopefully you assumed by now that I get along best with guys, rather than plants or something of that nature.  A guys sense of humor I think is what I relate to most, and I tend to connect better with them.  However, there is a problem here too..guys have ridiculously giant egos.  They think that since I am willing to be their friend, want to hangout, and laugh at their jokes it means one thing; I am totally willing to do them. Which of course is not the case. When they find out I'm only interested in being friends and don't actually want to do them, it's a drastic blow to their ego. And instead of sucking it up like a man, they decide the cold shoulder is the best solution. I don't know, maybe I have overwhelming good looks and charm they cannot handle.  Whatever it is, it's quite frustrating because I have to go through the same annoying situation time after time, which inevitably leads to me having no one to complain to.  So I guess that's what you are here for.

Thanks for listening =D

Day of Pointlessness

This is officially my first blog posting ever!  I am not sure what to write about and how exactly to treat it.  I find it odd because it kind of feels like I am writing in a diary.  However, this serves the exact opposite purpose of a diary since anyone that wishes to read it can.  Maybe I should treat it that way though, considering there isn't a high likelihood of people going to read it.  Then if someone does come across it and I have all my deepest darkest secrets exposed, it will be way way more interesting XD

I guess I could write about my day and stuff like that.  So today was basically the most boring day ever.  It was also extremely pointless.  On days like today that I don't have work, I always wake up with high hopes on what it could hold.  I think of all the things I can accomplish and get done.  Like 'Oh Boy!, I can finally get college stuff set up for the fall!'  Or 'Today is the day that I will put away my laundry and finish cleaning my room'.  My favorite one is the one where I think of all the potential people I can hangout with and get to know.  But, after being awake for a whole hour and pondering the day i'm going to have, I decide a nap sounds fantastic.  When I wake up again, I still have great expectations for the day.. but at the moment, laying in bed watching Seinfeld feels pretty damn good.  Then 4:30 rolls around and I think showering would be a good idea to start off the day.  But that's more complicated then it sounds because you see, I am going to want to workout before the day is over and it would be silly to shower now, workout, then have to shower again. So the obvious solution is to wait another half hour until I have the energy to workout, and then I can shower. 

After all of that is said and done, I realize that my parents are out of the house for the night. Which is something that just cannot go to waste.  See, I usually have to wait until they go to bed around 9 to be able to escape my room and enjoy the rest of the house. Just so happens, every other Saturday they have bowling. This means I get the whole house to myself for a couple hours of actual daytime.  Rather then trying to find something to do, I decide to take advantage of an empty house.  This fabulous night to myself was going to be spent watching a movie.  I chose Aronofsky's The Wrestler.  One of the few movies by my favorite director that I had not seen, so I knew I wouldn't be disappointed.  When the movie ended it was about 8:30, and the day wasn't turning out to be as incredibly awesome as I had hoped.  When I  looked at the time I convinced myself it was way too late to try to find plans.  So I spent the rest of the night laying on my couch watching Castle! 

I can't wait to see what tomorrow holds XD