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Love, It Blindly Breaks the Rules

My passion for writing increases when I am stressed with life. Depression has been the main trigger for some of the deeper issues I have written about. This is because in a state of depression, I only have my mind to take me there or pull me out. So I am stuck in my thoughts and what road they take me down. However, there are times, such as now, that I find a passion for writing simply by laying in bed and pondering life. Depression has no trigger behind this post. Upon this thinking and questioning life, I remembered a piece of paper I wrote months ago. This piece of paper was written when I WAS depressed and had many unanswered questions. Reading it, some things still ring true and deep. There is substance in what I wrote and I wanted to share it. So this is the edited version.

Love. What is it exactly? I was positive I had it all figured out. Maybe I still do. But really, I think no one knows. If they did, there wouldn't be a thousand quotes trying to describe it. I guess it's whatever you need it to be. So what do I need it to be? Love to me is making each other happy no matter what situations arise. Always wanting to be in the presence of one another. Feeling sad when they are sad, and happy when they are happy. I think love is knowing all the flaws in each other, but you don't see them as flaws because that person is perfect in your mind. Being equally crazy against the world, while crazy for each other. But to have love and hold on to it...How is that done? You need to be so incredibly understanding and giving, but also not let them walk all over you. You need to keep your pride and individuality in tact, while giving your heart and vulnerability to them. To find someone that fits all your ideals and can also give and take at the same rate you are taking and giving...can only happen once in a great while. It is disheartening. If you have all the chemistry and love for each other, priorities have to be in order too. Does one give up and admit it is not going to work, or will it all come together? What if it felt like fate from the beginning but things became foggy and exhausted. One fight to the next, one heartache to the next.

Love is complicated and my definition of love is still changing and will with new experiences. What matters now, is finding love in the simple things and being grateful for what I have. Just thought I would share :)

Sweet Disposition

This is a happy post! What is it about? College life, being positive, being happy. Why the hell not. 

I thought I had begun the overwhelming college experience last semester with a measly two classes. What the hell was I thinking? I am currently in four classes, one being an honors course, and ohh boy it is tough and has barely begun. What am I doing instead of studying? Writing this blog post of course. We will pretend I am practicing writing for my composition class ;) This college thing is some tough stuff. I will not get into details because most of you probably understand or know someone that understands. However, it is fulfilling, knowing that my life is heading in the right direction. I am actually excited to learn the things I am learning. Yeah, high school I learned some okay things...but I was forced to learn them. Being in classes I choose and pay for means it is all on me. As much as it sucks sometimes and will probably suck in the future, I do not want it to pass by unnoticed.

Lately I have been focusing on spending my life and viewing it differently than I ever have. I love where I am in life currently. Yes, there are a few situations that could be different or better, but there are so many aspects of my life that are great. Why waste time wishing things were different when this is my life? Life is either complex or simple, it is all based on how we perceive things. So make the best of each day. Everyone hears sayings like, "Live as if it is your last day," but nobody can really put any energy in to this idea until they REALLY get it. Some people never will. Some days I forget that I only have this one life and I get lost in the moment of being angry or upset. However, I wake up each day positive. Life has many adventures I want to experience and they have just begun. 

The Game of Life

Positive thinking seems to be the answer to all of lives troublesome times. For the most part I would have to agree. As long as you convince yourself that everything will be okay, or everything happens for a reason (even if these were former concepts you laughed at), then you really can put your mind in a state of ease or even happiness. This worked for me, and I am sure it will continue to. However, nobody really seems to have an answer for those moments when you see through the bullshit. Life really is just a pretend game, and it can be dangerous if you pretend too hard.

You can spend days, weeks, months pretending life will be wonderful again and if you choose happiness it is that easy to be happy. I highly suggest this way of living. Word or warning though, if you choose this euphoric pretend life, when and if you fall, you fall from a much higher building. I am trying to recover from this fall. Standing up and dusting myself off again is not what scares me. The scary part is the choice I will be faced with. I turn around and look at this skyscraper I fell from and I ask myself, do I climb the steps again, in hopes they will climb higher and higher, or do I choose a shorter building with an elevator.