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Love, It Blindly Breaks the Rules

My passion for writing increases when I am stressed with life. Depression has been the main trigger for some of the deeper issues I have written about. This is because in a state of depression, I only have my mind to take me there or pull me out. So I am stuck in my thoughts and what road they take me down. However, there are times, such as now, that I find a passion for writing simply by laying in bed and pondering life. Depression has no trigger behind this post. Upon this thinking and questioning life, I remembered a piece of paper I wrote months ago. This piece of paper was written when I WAS depressed and had many unanswered questions. Reading it, some things still ring true and deep. There is substance in what I wrote and I wanted to share it. So this is the edited version.

Love. What is it exactly? I was positive I had it all figured out. Maybe I still do. But really, I think no one knows. If they did, there wouldn't be a thousand quotes trying to describe it. I guess it's whatever you need it to be. So what do I need it to be? Love to me is making each other happy no matter what situations arise. Always wanting to be in the presence of one another. Feeling sad when they are sad, and happy when they are happy. I think love is knowing all the flaws in each other, but you don't see them as flaws because that person is perfect in your mind. Being equally crazy against the world, while crazy for each other. But to have love and hold on to it...How is that done? You need to be so incredibly understanding and giving, but also not let them walk all over you. You need to keep your pride and individuality in tact, while giving your heart and vulnerability to them. To find someone that fits all your ideals and can also give and take at the same rate you are taking and giving...can only happen once in a great while. It is disheartening. If you have all the chemistry and love for each other, priorities have to be in order too. Does one give up and admit it is not going to work, or will it all come together? What if it felt like fate from the beginning but things became foggy and exhausted. One fight to the next, one heartache to the next.

Love is complicated and my definition of love is still changing and will with new experiences. What matters now, is finding love in the simple things and being grateful for what I have. Just thought I would share :)

Sweet Disposition

This is a happy post! What is it about? College life, being positive, being happy. Why the hell not. 

I thought I had begun the overwhelming college experience last semester with a measly two classes. What the hell was I thinking? I am currently in four classes, one being an honors course, and ohh boy it is tough and has barely begun. What am I doing instead of studying? Writing this blog post of course. We will pretend I am practicing writing for my composition class ;) This college thing is some tough stuff. I will not get into details because most of you probably understand or know someone that understands. However, it is fulfilling, knowing that my life is heading in the right direction. I am actually excited to learn the things I am learning. Yeah, high school I learned some okay things...but I was forced to learn them. Being in classes I choose and pay for means it is all on me. As much as it sucks sometimes and will probably suck in the future, I do not want it to pass by unnoticed.

Lately I have been focusing on spending my life and viewing it differently than I ever have. I love where I am in life currently. Yes, there are a few situations that could be different or better, but there are so many aspects of my life that are great. Why waste time wishing things were different when this is my life? Life is either complex or simple, it is all based on how we perceive things. So make the best of each day. Everyone hears sayings like, "Live as if it is your last day," but nobody can really put any energy in to this idea until they REALLY get it. Some people never will. Some days I forget that I only have this one life and I get lost in the moment of being angry or upset. However, I wake up each day positive. Life has many adventures I want to experience and they have just begun. 

The Game of Life

Positive thinking seems to be the answer to all of lives troublesome times. For the most part I would have to agree. As long as you convince yourself that everything will be okay, or everything happens for a reason (even if these were former concepts you laughed at), then you really can put your mind in a state of ease or even happiness. This worked for me, and I am sure it will continue to. However, nobody really seems to have an answer for those moments when you see through the bullshit. Life really is just a pretend game, and it can be dangerous if you pretend too hard.

You can spend days, weeks, months pretending life will be wonderful again and if you choose happiness it is that easy to be happy. I highly suggest this way of living. Word or warning though, if you choose this euphoric pretend life, when and if you fall, you fall from a much higher building. I am trying to recover from this fall. Standing up and dusting myself off again is not what scares me. The scary part is the choice I will be faced with. I turn around and look at this skyscraper I fell from and I ask myself, do I climb the steps again, in hopes they will climb higher and higher, or do I choose a shorter building with an elevator. 

Nobodys Right, Nobodys Wrong.

I was thinking about love recently. A lot. Trying to figure out what it actually is, like many have pondered. My main question is what would we consider love to be if we didn't have movies and television and everyone shoving it down our throat. That's why I'm so cynical when I look at things like marriage. It's truly hard for me to believe that all these people are conveniently finding their soul mates between the age of 17 and 25. Our society is drowned in the idea that we have to be married and have kids by a certain age, or something must be wrong with us. People break up with each other because they don't want to get married. Isn't that kind of a backwards thought process? You were with that person because you supposably loved them enough to consider spending your entire life with them, but you can't see that picture anymore when they don't want marriage? Does nobody understand what a lifetime is? It is a long fucking time. I also don't know what that would feel like, but I do have the sense to look around, see that it is not as easy as it is in the movies, and know I'm going to take me time.

I also know I am a cynic when it comes to love. I'm only shy of 20 and probably don't know nearly as much as the next person, but my walls have been built, and my heart has been hurt, and I've seen enough hurt and frustration and hatred for others to be disheartened. It's obviously still something I want to find, and thought I could have. People can change in the snap of a finger and that's the problem. If your not changing in the same ways and same timing together, your done. You expect a person to be one way and you blink and it has changed, or maybe you just build up an idea of what it should be in your head. It's hard to say why things can go horribly awry. And something must be wrong with me for not hating those people I once cared for. People hate one another so easily, I don't have the heart for that. I try to be civil and understanding..but then the next person doesn't understand. No matter what I do to try and keep MY life peaceful, it's met with misunderstandings and lack of trust.

This is another depressing post..and im not looking for anyone's pity or explanation on life...because if you try to explain it to me Im going to laugh and know your just as confused as I am. We have all made mistakes in love and life no matter how much experience we have. And I knew that was going to happen from the beginning. My philosophy on life has always been to give it my all. If it's someone  or something I am truly passionate about I fight for it until I have no more will in me. That way I wouldn't have any regrets, or lies to hold a burden in my heart. Just be honest, genuine, and open, and things would be easier. Even my philosophy proved broken, because I guess the other person has to have the same ideas, and you're damned if they don't.

I want to know my fate if I keep up this way

Forewarning that this post is going to be more on the depressing side.  But hey, it's your choice to read it or not, and my way of outletting my thoughts.

Lately I have been feeling rather down.  To pin-point it on one thing it would be looking back on all the relationships I have built with people and how none of them have lasted.  We go through elementary school having a best friend one week and then hating them the next for something as pointless as they have a crush on the same boy.  We didn't really know how to define a friendship or relationship back then, but we still knew how substantial they were for enjoying life.  As we grew and struggled through our socially awkward years of junior high and even beyond that, we learned better how to relate to people.  We learn the correct ways to interact and what is acceptable.  When we were young we just did and said what came natural, until we were shaped into what is considered courteous and nice. If you think of it that way, you can see through all the bullshit.  You can see the fake show people put on because that is what we are suppose to do.  That is what we have been taught and we don't really know any different.  As we move through high school, we experience different group of friends, make and break relationships, change, form our opinions, and try to be unique.  We all felt so lost and unknown.  Yet we were probably the most pure forms of ourselves in a way.  We finally leave high school and we see all of these "friends" leave and go their own way, as you do the same to several.  You realize that you only created those friendships because they served you a purpose through the halls.  The more friends you had and the more people that liked you, the more substantial of a person you were, although you didn't actually give a damn about most of them..So you begin to understand how selfish people really are..only doing things to benefit themselves.  I think that's the best definition of why I hated school so much.  Everyone trying so hard to get everyone's approval, it was sickening to me.

That's been a really tough thing for me to accept, and trust me I am no exclusion to it.  I've dropped many many friends in the past because I didn't want them in my life anymore.  Thinking about it makes you feel so alone though, because you know all the friendships you have right now are so fragile, and either of you can simply drop it with no reasoning.  I wonder a lot how often this happens to other people.  I can't tell if it happens unusually often to me, or if I am just too sensitive about it. I am so tired of losing people.  It has a made me rather socially awkward, making me almost unsure how to create a friendship anymore.  I've been so close to people and out of nowhere they just disappear.  Or I've had best friends that continue to do the shittiest things, while I would do mostly anything for them.  What makes people so inconsiderate? Or are they just tired of being hurt as well, so that's their shield? It's tough to live in a world like that.

Making Friends

So I've realized within the last few months I have a serious problem with making friends. It sounds silly I know, but it's true and it is devastating. I tend to be, in my mind, extremely awkward and socially impaired.  I've been told this is not the case, but being the paranoid, self conscious person that I am, it's obvious they were just saying this to make me feel better.  When it comes to a social situation, I'm always on the outside looking in.  Everyone is always trying so hard to impress everyone else, it reminds of a circus.  They all have their little tricks they are doing, trying to stand out to the crowd and outwit the clowns next to them.  And i'm the child sitting in the bleachers wondering what the hell is going on.

Another big problem I have is with girls. I have never been able to pin point why, but I can only manage to keep a girl friend for a short amount of time before they become unbearable.  It's never anything big that they do either, it's just the little things I notice.  I think it's possible that I am just very unlucky and have come across the most annoying girls in history. Even still, it's unfortunate and feels like a disease.  I wouldn't mind doing all the stupid things girls do together, whatever that may be. I just need to find that one special girl that doesn't make me want to kill children. I hope she is out there somewhere.
 

So hopefully you assumed by now that I get along best with guys, rather than plants or something of that nature.  A guys sense of humor I think is what I relate to most, and I tend to connect better with them.  However, there is a problem here too..guys have ridiculously giant egos.  They think that since I am willing to be their friend, want to hangout, and laugh at their jokes it means one thing; I am totally willing to do them. Which of course is not the case. When they find out I'm only interested in being friends and don't actually want to do them, it's a drastic blow to their ego. And instead of sucking it up like a man, they decide the cold shoulder is the best solution. I don't know, maybe I have overwhelming good looks and charm they cannot handle.  Whatever it is, it's quite frustrating because I have to go through the same annoying situation time after time, which inevitably leads to me having no one to complain to.  So I guess that's what you are here for.

Thanks for listening =D